did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
