Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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