well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
