so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize