Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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