Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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