We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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