My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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