i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
