This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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