I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
