the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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