At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
