I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
