who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
