God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
