So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
