he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
