Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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