just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
