There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
