the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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