Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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