he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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