Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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