dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize