The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
