he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
