so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
