I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
