I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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