Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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