So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
