i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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