I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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