I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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