fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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