Im at strip club and am horny
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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