I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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