k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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