I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
