So drunk its hurt
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
