I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
