Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
