you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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