I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
