guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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