from now on my penis is your penis
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
