I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
