My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
