I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
