Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
