a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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