May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
