I faked an abortion last night.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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