I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize