I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
