I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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