please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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